if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
