i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
