someone threw a dead crab at me
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
