apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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