I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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