My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
