You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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