if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
