When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
