chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
