She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
