Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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