My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
