My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
