I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I have fence marks all over my body
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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