I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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