the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I can't turn off my feet"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
