I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
