I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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