So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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