Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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