No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My penis needs a shock collar
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
