Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
