I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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