I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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