is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
