Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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