They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
