I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
