I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
