So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
