Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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