i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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