Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
