he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
