So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
