Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
