You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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