My boss' voice literally gives me gas
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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