It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
