so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I can't put those talents on a resume
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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