I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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