alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
