Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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