i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
That accounts for only three of the penises
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
