Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize