i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
