just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
