Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
