did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
