he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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