Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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