I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
