Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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