I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
