Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I need to align my fucking chakras
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
